Hope is a Dream that Never Sleeps

I’m looking over my recently read books on Goodreads (my Goodreads profile is here) and I can only think of two that I absolutely loved, and of those, one that hasn’t disappointed me in any way. In case you’re curious, that one isClockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare, the sequel to Clockwork Angel (which I also absolutely loved).

I read reviews of books going on and on about how fantastic the book is, but once I actually start reading, I just keep finding faults. It’s a bit depressing. I finish each book with the knowledge that I’ve read yet another book, but without feeling like I’ve found a new favorite - or even a book that I’d like to recommend to other people. Nope, it’s just another book to make my list of read books longer.

When I was younger - probably late elementary school, maybe early middle school - I read this book. I remember checking it out at the Cupertino Library before the library was remodeled. I can’t, for the life of me, remember what the name of the book is or who the author is. I remember it’s the second or third book in a series/trilogy and I remember some details about the book. Whenever I think about it, I wish I remember what that book is because I desperately want to find and read it again.

More recently, I’ve rarely been so captured by a book. It makes me wonder if the quality of books has gone down, or if it’s a problem with how I read the book. I don’t want to read books thoughtlessly the way I did when I was younger, but I don’t want to be this critical of them either.

I need to somehow find a balance so I can still enjoy books but read somewhat critically.

I usually try to do everything on my own. The truth is, I really don’t know how to ask for help. I keep what I’m doing under wraps and only speak up when its success is confirmed. Now I finally understand why: fear and pride. Even if I’ve told myself otherwise, I’ve been afraid of failing and embarrassing myself, thus wounding my pride.

I have moments when I’m entirely depressed by the state of the world and wish that the Doctor would come with his pretty, blue TARDIS and take me on adventures to different worlds. Earth seems completely hostile - how is it possible for this planet to support life? Everyone on it seems completely self-serving.

And then I realized something.

This isn’t true at all. The world may be in a bad state, but there are people trying to fix it (even if they come up against some opposition).

But even in everyday life, people can be - and are - extremely kind and helpful. I want to take this moment to thank every single one of them - the friends who I’ve had for years, the friends I’ve made just recently, and the complete strangers I had email exchanges with.

I’m incredibly lucky to have such people in my life.

I love to help people. I’ve been known to drop what I’m doing to help someone else because I want to help. I’ve never judged anyone who’s asked for my aid. In fact, I’ve been overjoyed at being trusted enough to help. I don’t know why I ever thought other people might not think the same way.

People love to help. It’s amazing what they’ll do for you if you just reach out.

A rough translation is: “I hate myself, 19 years old.” I can’t remember the last time I heard the Suga Shikao song “19sai” before it came up on shuffle recently. I remember identifying with the lyrics at 19, but the funny thing is, I was happiest then. In the latter half of 19, that is, and the first half of 20.

Despite having been diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) not long before, I remember being content, self-satisfied, and more secure than ever before. I was rarely, if ever, irritable or snappish. I’m not a particularly judgmental person in general, but I was never so…generous as I was then. I could see the good in every situation. When I passed someone on the street, it was the person’s good qualities that leaped out at me (even if it were as simple as “wow, she has nice eyebrows.”). I love the world. I loved everyone. I loved myself. I loved the feeling of the rain.

I was happy with myself and it radiated into the way I treated and even just thought about everyone else. I didn’t take anything personally. I was thick-skinned.

You’d think that time would continue in that vein, help me expand on the person I was then, but instead I feel like I’ve regressed in some ways. I’m temperamental, insecure, jealous, and possessive. I’m older, but I don’t feel wiser. I feel jaded and bitterly disappointed by the world.

I’m too young for that.

I want to recapture who I was at nineteen, but be a more mature version of that girl. I want to be able to enjoy the rain again.

^ That is not okay.

That would be Heechul at the Incheon Airport, sporting a cut given to him by a fan. I can’t say about other fan bases, but a lot of Super Junior fans seem out of control right now.

1. Fans in Singapore tailgated Leeteuk and Heechul’s van, causing an accident - thankfully it was minor and nobody was hurt.
2. An object was thrown onstage while they were performing Super Show 3 in Singapore, hitting Yesung in the face.
3. An LED board was thrown at Heechul at Super Show 3 in Shanghai, striking him in the face and causing the cut in the picture above.
4. Leeteuk, Heechul, Shindong, and Yesung were involved in another car accident in Shanghai because of fans chasing them - luckily no one was hurt in this one either.

After their April 2007 car accident, it should be painfully clear that these guys are not invincible. There’s a tendency for celebrities to be seen as larger-than-life - because they appear larger-than-life. Although the 2007 accident (thankfully) wasn’t caused by fans, it was severe and we almost lost Kyuhyun because of it (he was given a less than 20% chance of survival with multiple broken ribs and pierced lungs).

These guys are doing what they love for themselves, but also for their fans. Despite their exhausting schedules, they still go out onstage and perform energetically and enthusiastically. People want to stand out, but throwing things onstage is not the way to do it because it just isn’t safe (as the picture above shows). In response to the ordeal, Heechul tweeted:

 “After this wound, I hope that not once, ever again, will anything fly towards the stage. I’m not hurt, glad, mad, or happy.”

In addition to that, following their van to get a glimpse of them may seem harmless, but that’s really the same sort of mentality that has people get in the driver’s seat after “just a couple” of drinks. In these four recent cases, luckily, no one was hurt (fans included), but they could have been so much worse.

Fans should protect the people they are fans of, not endanger their well-being so selfishly. They may be called Super Junior, but that doesn’t make them superhuman.

• My desktop backgrounds are really freaking sexy.
• I’m quite proud of my cooking skills (especially when it comes to cooking something I’ve never even tasted before in my life!)
• I promised Swasti I’d make some for her. I promised my sister too (mentally if not actually).
• I wish I could block certain people from at least one of my Tumblrs.
• People I know in real life, I mean…pre-Tumblr friends.
• I feel bad blocking them, however.
• Why do dorky glasses make cute boys look even cuter?
• If it’s so nerve-wracking to go into the store, how will it feel to go into the country?
• How am I going to possibly survive the next week?
• Tuku is one of the cutest people ever to exist.
• Why are there three Asian markets on the same road - and so close to each other? (Mitsuwa, Marukai, and Zion).
• Mitsuwa makes me think of Misato!
• Marukai makes me think of Durga (and “crub”)!
• If I make it through the next week, it’ll be all thanks to Super Junior for keeping my blood pressure at a good level.
• …unless (God forbid) something like what happened yesterday happens
• I’m probably going to have to give up sleep for awhile.
• Not tonight, though. Tonight I’m going to enjoy every moment of sleep I get.
• I should have spent more time browsing around Zion…especially for magazines.
• I think I’m rambling now
• I should shower
• And then sleep

I see a lot of controversy on Tumblr about the current purple background. I’m not talking about controversy created by homophobes, either, but people who are actually very pro-LGBT.

Their arguments are along the lines of:

• Wearing purple doesn’t stop suicide or bullying.
• LGBT kids aren’t the only ones committing suicide because they’re being bullied.

I saw a response that said something like, “Does anyone think that wearing pink will stop breast cancer? No, but people wear pink anyway.” It’s a valid point.

This is what I believe about the significance of wearing purple today:  It isn’t to stop bullying, and it doesn’t change the fact that kids other than LGBT ones are being bullied and taking their own lives. What it does is raise awareness to the fact that this is occurring. It shows teens (and others) in the LGBT community that there are people on their side - people who want to end this.

Yes, it may not address others aspects of and reasons for being bullied, but it’s a step toward fighting bullying. Breaking the issue down into smaller pieces is a more reasonable and doable way of combating it.

When I was at the bookstore on Thursday, buying the binder I’ve needed for awhile but kept putting off buying, my cashier was a rather cute guy.  I noticed his nametag had a picture drawn on the back along with a price sticker.

Me: Is that you?

Him: What?

Me: That picture.

Him: Oh, yeah.  Oh, but this price sticker isn’t how much I’m worth.  I’m not worth $4.99.

Me: Haha.  Well, that’s a good likeness.

Him: (opens his mouth in a wide, cheesy grin, imitating the picture) I know, right?

That was the extent of the conversation, beyond which we exchanged the usual “have a great day” “you too” greetings.

He may not be worth $4.99, but that conversation made me wonder how much I’m worth.  I’ve always struggled with self-confidence and my self-image.  I’ve always heard that every human being has infinite value, but I never believed it, not when it came to myself.

Part of it is my own oversensitivity.  Maybe all of it is because of my oversensitivity.  Maybe if I didn’t take things personally, I wouldn’t have had such issues with this.  I just know that from childhood through my freshman year of college, I constantly felt that many of my friends preferred other people over me.  I was the second choice, always.  This embedded within me the idea that my friendship wasn’t worth much - that I wasn’t worth much.  Who would want to be friends with me?  Who would ever pick me first?

I felt like the kid who got picked last in P.E.  But that kid had it easy.  Once P.E. was over, he could go escape, go to whatever part of his life he truly excelled in.  I couldn’t do the same because I felt I was being picked last in life.

I can name several specific instances.  I can name several specific people, many of whom are in my life still and are very close friends of mine.  Best friends even.

I don’t know what happened, what exactly changed, but over the past year and a half, I changed.  My self-esteem (which had been at an all-time low Summer 2008) raised exponentially.  I’m happy with who I am and who I’m becoming.  I still have self-confidence issues when it comes to my appearance and I’m still battling insecurity, but I’m working on that.  I’m really trying.

A good amount of the time, I might be pretending to be more self-assured than I actually am, but I’m hoping that percentage will creep up more and more over time.  In fact, I plan on making it that way.

I may be a nice person (and I do like being a nice person) but I’m not a doormat and I won’t let anyone treat me that way.  If anyone treats me as a second choice, I don’t need him/her in my life anyway.

Because I know I have infinite worth :)

I think and I over-think.  My mind runs awry with the fantasies that make me smile and others that fill me with unspeakable terror.  I wonder if it’s the writer in me that causes my thoughts to be a whirlwind of dramatics that rival a Hollywood movie.  Or perhaps it’s Hollywood movies and television shows that have fashioned my mind into what it is.  Or maybe it’s an ambiguous combination of the two.

All I know is that my train of thoughts puts me on what I can only describe as a bipolar roller coaster.  If I were as bold as my incredible younger sister, I would be able to easily go out and do things.  However, I’m not, so I need to do ample mental preparation every time I’m about to do something.

This is when my thoughts intrude.  I’m able to start off positively, think that this will work out…but then all the “what ifs” come up.  What if…what if…what if…they’re enough to bring me to tears about something before I’ve even attempted it, before I even know whether or not I’m wallowing in a delusion.

I think this is why everything works best for me one of two ways:  1) if it happens by chance or 2) I just force myself to do it before I can think about it and talk myself out of it.

I wish there wasn’t a weekend for me to agonize over this particular issue.  Yesterday I was so ready to do what I planned to.  Now I’m having second thoughts.  My stomach is in knots at even the thought of doing this.  I don’t want Monday to come, but at the same time, I do.  I don’t want Monday to go without my taking this chance because I feel like I would regret it.  But the way I feel right now, I don’t know how I would be able to do it.